Table of Contents - Arvind Gupta

HELPING YOUNG CHILDREN FLOURISH
ALETHA J. SOLTER


"If we are to attain real peace in this world, we will have to begin
with the children."
Gandhi


Table of Contents
Chapter 1: Tears and Tantrums
Why do children continue to cry after they have learned how to talk?
What evidence is there that crying is beneficial?
What do children need to cry about?
What should I do when my child cries?
What about temper tantrums?
Why do children cry and rage about insignificant things?
Will an accepting attitude towards tantrums cause them to occur more
frequently?
What if my child has a tantrum in public?
What if children have learned to suppress their crying?
Can children rid themselves of painful feelings through artistic
expression?
I find it difficult to accept my child's crying
Is it okay for me to cry in front of my child?
Exercises


Chapter 2: Fears and Frights
What causes children's fears?
What fears are the most common?
How should I react when my child expresses a fear?
What has research shown about overcoming fears?
How can I help my children overcome their fears?
What about fears of unknown origin?
What causes nightmares and night terrors?
What about separation anxiety past the age of two?
Exercises


Chapter 3: Living and Learning
What kinds of concrete experiences are beneficial for young children?
How can I share my own interests with my child?
Should young children be exposed to violence?
How can I answer my child's questions about death?
How can T give my child information about sexuality?
How can I minimize the effect of sexism on my child?
How can I help my child develop intellectual abilities and new skills?
What kind of books are best for young children, and how can I help my
child learn to read?
What kind of school is best for young children?
What is the effect of television on young children?
What can I do to minimize the effects of television on my child?
Exercises


Chapter 4: Playing and Pretending
What and how do children learn through play?
Can play be therapeutic?
What is the meaning of imaginary playmates and superhero fantasies?
What about play that appears to be senseless and foolish?
What kinds of toys are best?
Should I let my child play with guns?
How can I be a helpful participant in my child's play?
What if 1 become bored playing with my child?
How can I minimize the importance of winning and losing games?
What about children who cheat at games?


Chapter 5: Conflicts and Challenges
Are children inherently bad?
What are the effects of punishment on young children?
What about rewards?
Why do children misbehave?
Can unacceptable behavior be prevented?
What can I do when my child's behavior is unacceptable?
How can I deal with unacceptable behavior caused by pent-up feelings?
I sometimes hurt my child and then regret it.
What can I do about this?
How can I get my child to help with household chores?
What can I do about bedtime and naptime problems?
Exercises


Chapter 6: Friends and Foes
How can I prepare my child for anew baby?
What can be done about a child's resentment of a new baby?
Why do siblings fight with each other, and what can be done about this?
How can I remain objective when my children fight?
How can I help my child learn to get along with friends?
How can I protect my child from sexual abuse?
What can I do if my child has been sexually abused?
Are young children sexually attracted to their parents?
What about children's sex play with each other?
How can I help my stepchild adjust to me?
How are children affected by parents' tights?
Exercises


Chapter 7: Eating and Ailments
What can I do about eating problems?
What if my child uses food to suppress feelings?
What about candy?
How can I prepare my child for a dental appointment?
How can I help my child cope with vaccinations and blood tests?
How can I help my child deal with physical pain?
How can I help my child during a trip to the emergency room?
How can I help my child through a stay in the hospital?
What can I do if my child's health is being affected by stress?
Is there a cure for bedwetting?
What if my child is hyperactive?
Exercises
Conclusion


INTRODUCTION
Since The Aware Baby was published in 1984, I have received many requests
for a sequel. Helping Young Children Flourish is a continuation of the same
approach to parenting described in The Aware Baby, and it covers the period
between two and eight years, normally referred to as "early childhood."
You do not need to have read The Aware Baby in order to understand the
present book, which is self-explanatory and complete in itself. If,
however, you wish to gain a deeper understanding of babies' emotional
needs, The Aware Baby may provide you with some insights and new
information.
We need a new approach for raising children if we are to face the
challenges of our complex and changing world. With so many problems such as
hunger, pollution, oppression, and the threat of nuclear disaster, nobody
can honestly admit that all is as it should be. Our challenge as parents is
not to bring up children who will accept the status quo and continue the
same mistakes of previous generations, but to produce a new generation of
caring, confident, and smart people who will have the motivation,
determination, courage, and skills to make this world a better place. It is
time to question many of the currently accepted standards for treating
children and do something different.
This book represents a new approach to parenting based on recent research
and new insights into child development. It is quite different from most
other books written for parents, yet it is the logical extension of current
trends that focus on inner reality and feelings rather than external
behavior and events. The approach can be started at any point in your
child's development, and your child will benefit from it.
All parents want to have deep, meaningful relationships with their
children and give them the very best upbringing possible, but this is often
difficult to achieve because our society fails to support the work that
parents do. The job of parenting is simply not valued enough, in spite of
the fact that the well-being of future generations depends on it. Parenting
is an extremely demanding job, and many parents are struggling under
conditions of economic hardship, isolation, and physical exhaustion. All
parents strive to give their children the very best, but parents are not
given adequate support, training, or recognition. Parents are usually the
first to be blamed for their children's faults, but are not acknowledged or
congratulated when their children turn into well-functioning adults.
One way to make the job of parenting easier is to find other people to
help you. You do not need to do the job alone. If you cannot afford to pay
someone, perhaps you can trade help with other parents. If you are tired or
sick, ask a friend or neighbor to come over. Do not wait until you are
totally exhausted. You owe it to yourself and your children to take good
care of yourself.
To help relieve the emotional burden of parenting you can take time to
express your feelings. As you travel through the early childhood years with
your child, you will experience many feelings, some pleasant and some
painful. You may find that some areas of difficulty with your child are
related to a similar difficulty you yourself experienced when you were
growing up. It is perfectly normal for you to feel irritated, angry,
frightened, or totally baffled by your child's behavior. But these feelings
will need an outlet so that they do not interfere with your clear thinking
about your child's needs and cause you to act in ways that you may later
regret. One of the most important things you can do for yourself (and your
children) is to find someone you can talk to about the feelings and
concerns of parenting. If you are lucky enough to have a listener who can
accept your anger and tears as well, that is even better. Expressing your
own feelings in this manner will help you feel more confident and relaxed,
and it will free you to become the kind of parent you would like to be.
Take time to talk about all the daily irritations of parenting: the mud on
the rug, the night awakenings, and the crying in the supermarket. The
accumulation of these incidents greatly contributes to making our job as
parents more difficult.
There are also deeper, sometimes overwhelming, feelings that we parents
must deal with and express: Am I doing a good job? Will my child do well in
school? Will my son have to fight in a war when he grows up? How will I
ever pay for my children's college education? How will the world treat my
child who is black (or Jewish, or female)? How can I prevent sexual abuse
or kidnapping? How can I possibly fill all my child's needs, earn enough
money to pay the bills, keep the house clean, do the laundry, cook the
meals, spend time with my spouse, and help prevent nuclear war? And what
about my own needs?
Following each chapter, there are three kinds of exercises that you may
find helpful. The first are aimed at exploring your own childhood in order
to help you become aware of both the pleasant and the painful memories of
your own past. The second are to help you express your current feelings
about your children. These first two kinds of exercises are in the form of
questions to be answered with an attentive list